I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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