I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
