she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
