my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
All the doctor said was why
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
