She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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