i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
bring money and cleavage
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
