If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
