i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
