i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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