Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
