I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
