Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
