peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
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