it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
