bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Randomize
