Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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