a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You have to summon your inner elephant
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
