Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
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