I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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