home. puking in laundry basket.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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