Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
