I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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