Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
