No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
