Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
