Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
