my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
