So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
