mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
