How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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