Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
