last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
