he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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