What a fucking waste of an outfit
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
