OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
