I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
50% drunk capacity currently
My breasts were aching with rage.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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