I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Boobs are out for the taking
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
