Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
