i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You smell like stripper and shame
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
