how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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