Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Apparently you make a good broom.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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