I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
