somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
