I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
