hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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