Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
