So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
