im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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