remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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