I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
